Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Watery Rainbows

Fuzzy takes the award for being my first child to find food coloring and to also find it fascinating.


I was organizing one of my kitchen pantries the other day and did not think twice about putting two containers of 8 dye packets at Fuzzy height. No other kid took a second glance at those beautiful bright colored lids, why would he?


Truly, the food coloring was in the new home probably 68 hours before I round the corner and find a rainbow that had been hit by an 18-wheeler. Food coloring, when squeezed, will spray a beautiful arc on a white wall. There Fuzzy was, sitting in front of the pantry that he had never noticed before, covered in food coloring.


His new outfit-- toast. His skin-- tie-dyed. His smile-- massive.

We found 6 containers of dye with only two lids missing. They weren't in his ear, we checked. Score one for parenting. Peeking in those little ears, we discovered that he squirted food coloring in his canal.

Green, in case you were curious.

Just as a curtesy, if your child does squirt food coloring in his ear, he doesn't need to go to the emergency room. You're welcome.

Did we learn our lesson?

Ooooooffffffffffffffff course not. Why should we?

Fast forward 52 hours and it is Sunday morning after a great concert the night before. Husband and Wife threatened the children that if anyone woke us up before the sun came up, they were risking their lives.

No one woke us up. They entertained themselves.

The girls, the angels, the cherubs... the most perfect specimens of humanity... they were watching Octaunauts and reading the Bible. Okay, the Bible is an exaggeration, but Octaunauts was legit.

Fuzzy? I mean Dante, well he found the food coloring again.
   And squirted is all over our white floor, making puddles that he jumped in.
      Those jumps led to splatters.
         The splatters led to giggles.
            The giggles led the parents coming out of their sleepy fog with the knowledge that the only thing scarier than the kids being too quiet for too long is when they are no longer quiet, but giggling by themselves.

Husband gets up first.

"Wife, I need you."

Wife: OK, I say muffled through my pillow and sleep.


Wife's Brain: Dang. What did I DO?! I've been asleep.

I roll out of bed and Husband is holding Fuzzy.

"Go into the kitchen."

Wife's brain: Dude. If you want breakfast, just ASK. You don't have to be ... so.... HOLY LSD RAINBOW BATMAN. 
Wife says: Honey, we're going to need an old priest and a young priest. 

I'll clean it up and you give your son a bath.

My son? Nope. Clearly this kid belonged to some other family.

It was in that moment, I followed the pitter patter of the psychedelic footprints that led to my son's purple feet, his green legs, and his massively wide smile.

MA-Mee! Look! I deed it.

Dude, we need to talk about guilty until proven innocent and when to keep our mouth shut.

Did we learn our lesson? I wouldn't say that. I will say that we are out of food coloring, sans those two little pods we have not been able to find...yet.

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