Wednesday, November 13, 2013

You can google anything

Several years ago, my neighbor and longtime friend, Charlsie, showed me how you can text a question to "G-O-O-G-L-E" and get an answer.

"Cessna airplane" goes out and prices come back. In case you were curious, back in 2007, Cessna airplanes were going for about $18k, if memory serves correctly. I'd get bored at night, and with my unlimited texting capabilities- I'd text to Google and get responses.

What did I do with my time before children?

As technology advanced, so did Google's capabilities.

We got a new housekeeper. Her name is Katie and she is really sweet. She is young, hardworking, and trying to put herself through school while supporting her two year old daughter. I really like her. One of the things we agreed on was that I would supply all the cleaning supplies.

Now, let's be honest- the last time I actually went shopping for cleaning supplies instead of the occasional Windex was probably around 2002 when I was moving out of my college apartment. This was before it was cool to be organic, recycling was not required, and people still had land-lines.

Things have changed in 11 years.

One thing that has not is that Family Dollar still has goods on the cheap. Before Katie came, I headed to the nearest Family Dollar- the same one that was robbed at gunpoint last week, as a matter of fact. Needless to say, it's not in the best part of town. But this girl spent three years in the city. I was armed with my wits and, well, mostly just my wit.

Family Dollar has a lot of stuff. All kinds of cool stuff. Duck Dynasty placemats, Bounce Basic paper towels, and cleaning supplies.... lots and lots of cleaning supplies.

Those regulars in there must have thought me a spectacle in their abode as I read labels and checked prices before dropping things in my little red buggy. A mop? Yep- need one of those. Broom? Yeah... where is mine? Drop it in. Where are the Swiffers? Oh-- on the clearance rack, which made the MSRP $15, down to $8 at Family Dollar, but on the clearance rack? Sweet- $4!

Old English? Yes
409 heavy duty? yes and yes, please
Awesome cleaner? Oh, absolutely
Lysol toilet bowl cleaner? three go in the buggy... three go out when I found a package for half the price -- buy two, get one free.
Toilet bowl brushes? Yep... need those
Furniture polish?
10 gallons of Fabuloso and Murphy's cleaner? absolutely. What's Fabuloso, you ask? I have no idea- but it's purple and there were 10 gallons of it for $8. Katie'll know what to do with it.
Gillette triple razors for $3? Toss it in.

RAGS! I need rags! Up and down and up and down for the rags. Rags at Family Dollar are truly that, rags. And they come complete with electronic sensors so people, such as myself, cannot drop them down their shirt and stealth out of the Family Dollar with the booty of rags. The Swiffers are safe, but the rags-- those suckers need protection.

I drop rags and rags and more rags in the buggy and head towards the checkout. I ask the lady as she rings up my $112.74 worth of stuff if this is the most she has rung up today.

"Today? Try this month! One time, at Christmas, I rung up $254! That was three buggies worth!"

Glad I could make her day. Glad I could get out of there with my wits still in tact. Glad I could get home to discover that she was so busy being impressed by my $112.74 worth of cleaning goods (and razors) that she didn't remove those pesky tags.

I was not going to take my two children back there, to unload them, to take them inside, to keep LMC hemmed in while I explained to the new cashier that I did not stuff those rags down my shirt, rather, I paid for them and need those dang things removed.

I just was not going to do it.

So, I thought about it. And thought some more... maybe a little too hard on it. Could I safely "google" how to remove electronic tags without the FBI coming through my brand new windows or the priest calling to see what sins I have committed?

Sure I could. As long as Husband wasn't home, I could.

This morning, I pulled out the rags I had stashed in the back of the closet- no need to have evidence of a thief when one is not a thief. I tried pulling at them a few times before tossing them aside and sat at my computer, poised at the ready to type in "how to remove electronic tags."

First pop-up:

"How to remove electronic ankle bracelet"

I sighed with relief, at least I wasn't THAT bad.

Apparently, if one has a closet full of tools- one can get that those tags off. I grab Husband's hammer and set to banging the goods out of the electronic tags.

I was a rebel. And it felt good.

The more I slammed the hammer to the plastic harness, the more liberating it felt to be bad-- even if I was completely in my right, having paid for the goods. One popped off.

"FREEDOM!" screamed William Wallace in the background.

A second, third, fourth... why do these little tags keep people from stuffing rags down their shirts when all they need is a hammer and some strength to free the rags from the bondages of plastic tags?

The door opens, unbeknownst to this derelict of society.

Husband walks up behind me, to see what I am beating -- probably praying it is not one of the kids-- and peers over my shoulder, almost blinded by the swing of a hammer. I stop.

"What the hell, Wife? Did you steal those?"

"Oh, no. Um, well- see, I went to Family Dollar yesterday downtown."

"The one that was robbed?"

"Yeah, don't worry- I wasn't there when that happened. But, I bought these rags."

"Why are the tags on them?"

"She forgot to remove them- too impressed that I spent so much money at the Family Dollar."

"Wait- how much did you spend?"


"At the Family Dollar?"



"Well, I didn't stick them down my shirt, if that's you're asking."

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