Thursday, June 11, 2015

The start of a really bad joke

Tinkerbell, a cowgirl, and a sand crab walk into a warehouse club. Their mother was a touch frazzled, having had a husband spend the night at the hospital. The sand crab woke up at 4:46 for breakfast. The cowgirl followed suit at 6:02. And again at 6:18. And again at 6:22. Tinkerbell  found the outside of her eyelids somewhere in the 7:07 realm.

I balked on going to the gym.

Tinkerbell has a black eye. No, she did not do anything wrong. Rather, we made the discovery that "Hey, Mom! Watch this!" is along the same lines of "Here- hold my beer." Nothing good will come of either statement. Considering that last week she had a busted lip/fat lip, I feel compelled to say that her summer is off to a banger start.

The cowgirl has learned the valuable lesson that being cute can, and will, save your life. Just when I was ready to string her up for whatever reason, she rounded the corner from the back of the house with a pink cowgirl hat on her head. I taught her how to say YEE HAW! She jumped into a starfish position and screamed, "YEEHAW!"

Before the warehouse club, we stopped at the bank to get a lollipop cash a check. We looked like we were trick or treating, as the cowgirl, Tinkerbell, and the sand crab were all in the backseat, screaming for candy.

"PLEASE! MAY I PLEASE HAVE A BLUE CREAM SODA?" I think my children think that the only flavor of lollipops is cream soda.

The cowgirl screamed WOLLIPOP! WALL-E-POP! WOLLIPOP! WALL-E-POP! WOLLIPOP! WALL-E-POP!

Tinkerbell screamed PLEASE? MAY I PLEASE HAVE A BLUE CREAM SODA? PRETTY PLEASE WITH LOLLIPOPS ON TOP?

The sand crab just screamed.


I am always fascinated by what people buy at the warehouse clubs. So often, I look in their buggies and want to tap on them on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me. Sorry to bother you, but I am just curious. Which of these items are impulse buys?"

When I was getting out of the car today, there was a man unloading his cart next to me and he had at least 86 cartons of cigarettes... and a karaoke machine. My money is on the one carton of Virginia Slims 100s. That was the impulse.

I saw one of the waiters at the Mexican restaurant. He had 17 gallons of milk, lots of Styrofoam containers, and six big cans of corn.... and a deluxe car cleaning kit.

There was a woman who asked the pharmacist where the condoms were. I did not want to ask what her line of business was.

The woman in line behind me had 12 rotisserie chickens. Twelve. What did she need twelve chickens for? Then I saw that she had six children with her. Oh. Maybe that sixth kid was the impulse. I can relate.

A man had at least two dozen thirty packs of beer. Was he hosting a party? Does he have a really big habit? Was he business partners with the woman talking to the pharmacist? Where was his karaoke machine? I am more likely to sing karaoke after six beers and not six cigarettes. Unless one of those was a Virginia Slim 100. Then all bets are off.

Another woman had several crates of fruit and vegetables, cans of Ro-Tel and four teenage children walking with her, all of which were on their cell phones. She stopped in front of a $189 bouncy house. I paused. Was she going to buy it? I asked Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell said, "Mama, if she doesn't- we should. That would be awesome."

Um. No.

An old lady stood in front of a 25 pound tube of hamburger meat. In her buggy was milk, 36 eggs, and an old purse. She picked the 25 pound tube of hamburger meat and walked away. I really wanted to stop her and say, "Excuse me- do you need 25 pounds of hamburger meat? Is the price that good? I have a friend who has 5 kids under the age of 12 and she does not buy 25 pounds of hamburger meat."


Her response? "Fuzzy looks scared."

Then there was the woman with three children, two of which in costumes, and no room in her buggy for food- yet, six milk products waiting to be purchased (yogurt, milk, cheese, smoothies, chocolate milk, and cheez-its). Her impulse buy? She foolishly stopped to ask the DirectTV salesman a question............ twenty minutes later, he is still in the middle of his sales pitch with three screaming children in a perfect crescendo. What was she thinking?! There is something to be said for the sales pitch to have a certain level of brevity. That would have sold me, I mean... her.

I will say that I stopped in front of the unsliced turkey- the same turkey that grocery stores sell at the deli. It was $2.48/pound. Granted, I would have to spend $25.53 to get the whole thing- and I would need a meat slicer, but $2.48/pound is a pretty good price for turkey these days. I start to get sucked into this deli turkey. I could slice it in one pound sections and freeze it. This could work and save some money... I text a friend:





After the bank, the warehouse store, and spending $164.76 on exactly half of what was on my list- I throw in the towel. Knowing that I needed diapers for Fuzzy, I looked at the kids, the groceries, and my abilities.

I have a smart phone. I am smarter then this.

Ring... Ring....

"Thank you for calling Buy Buy Baby. How may I direct your call?"
"I need to talk to someone that can ring up something for me."
"That would be Joe. Just a moment."

Y'all.

Joe went to the back of the store, grabbed the diapers I needed and rang me up as I was driving to the store. I pulled up to the front, opened my car door and out walked Joe- my knight in blue polo shirt- with my bag of diapers and a receipt.

VICTORY! I shan't be defeated this day!

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