No one has ever claimed me as a domestic goddess. Looking around our house, I am reminded of this fact. Sometimes though, I get a bee in my bonnet about wanting to make something from scratch. The other day, I told my mom that I was heading to the store for ingredients to make homemade marshmallows.
Every single website said they were "easy" and "delicious." Having learned my lesson with the corn dogs, I actually contemplated this mess I was getting into. The only drawback I saw was I needed to make a simple syrup that involved maintaining a constant temperature of 238F for five minutes without stirring.
Spending about ten days contemplating these homemade marshmallows and the thought of LMC "helping" and Bennie at my feet while the 238F syrup cooks without stirring, I set my dreams of dazzling my few blog readers aside. There were other things I could accomplish with greater ease.
In those ten days, I learned a few things:
-- Bennie likes to eat sand.
-- Sand, when eaten in mass quantities, goes right on through that digestive tract- just like everything else.
-- Oxyclean looks a lot like sand.
-- Oxyclean, according to Doctor Husband and the poison control website is 99% soda ash.
-- Crickets chirp when I hear the words soda ash.
-- Practically a whole box of Oxyclean has to be consumed for it to be dangerous.
-- Oxyclean should not be stored on the floor of one's laundry room.
-- When a mother screams NO in their large pantry at an almost two year old playing in said Oxyclean, they'll cry. Loudly.
-- Crying loudly is good, because it helps that mother look in their mouth to see if they actually ingested any Oxyclean.
-- It's difficult for an almost two year old to consume Oxyclean when they are too busy playing with it.
-- When one calls Doctor Husband and mentions Oxyclean consumption, he knows people. Apparently, Poison Control has a doctor's hotline.
-- Orange juice and a cookie is the recommended protocol. This mother disagreed, but knew better than to not follow doctor's orders.
-- Five years olds are unimpressed when two year olds play in Oxyclean and get screamed at. It gets in the way of their coloring. Until the two year old yanks the paper away from the five year old and both children are crying while mom is on the phone with Doctor Husband.
Last night, as I was attempting to make eucalyptus wreathes (easier said than done), and after Bennie got into the Oxyclean, the household is calm as we await the garage door to open and Husband to walk through the door. As I am pulling stems through a frame and attaching with floral wire- I realize that the florists of the world are safe. I am made to do many things, but making eucalyptus wreaths might as well be asking me to help a child with basic fractions.
It just doesn't work.
Out of the corner of my eye- I see a cabinet door open. No surprise there- Bennie and LMC are in the kitchen with me. Bennie reaches into the cabinet under the sink and pulls out a dishwasher tab. A beautiful, bright orange, squishy plastic pillow full of poison that makes our dishes clean.
BENNIE! NO! BENNIE! NO! BENNIE! NO! BENNIE! NO!
She cocks her head and looks at me. I drop my wreath and am right in front of her, repeating myself-- NO!
chirp chirp goes the door.
In walks Husband to two crying kids (LMC thought I was telling her NO to drawing on the table. Glad she thought that; saved me a breath!), the short one holding a bright orange pillow of poison, the mother on the floor next to wire cutters and a plethora of other dangerous things that are required to make a wreath.
Perhaps the marshmallows would have been easier, albeit safer?