Tuesday, October 19, 2010

One flew over the cuckoos's nest

Eileen and I are jet setters. Well, not really, but we have dominated the ATL and the Charlotte airports. My slip-on shoes somewhat compensate for the fact that it takes 5 bins for all of our travel necessities. Shoes, and yes, they make E take off her shoes as well, computer, bag, diaper bag, and the dastardly stroller. Not to mention the sippy cups and food... "I have liquid" immediately prompts two TSA men in blue to put me through the body scanner, our goods to be swabbed, tested, and approved, and the otherwise chaos level takes on a whole new high when a baby is involved.

All of these things are comical to me, as I hold the knowledge that Eileen is a great traveler. She is cool as the flight takes off and usually falls asleep in my lap, snoring for the duration.

Twice she has flaked. Twice. Out of probably 10 legs of 5 trips, twice she has fallen out with no repair. This last time though, I learned a little something for when I am an old lady flying around.

Allow me to share my knowledge...

- Ignore the baby. Just ignore them. You, an absolute stranger, cannot possibly calm down the screaming baby in the mother's arms. Can't. You. Just. Can't. And, while the mother appreciates your effort to save everyone else. Just don't bother, it is only going to hack off the baby more.

- As a stranger, you cannot possibly diagnose what is wrong with the baby, so please... don't try. And, if the mother has heard enough and says, "It's not her ears," please.... for the love of all things lovely, do not say, "Well, you are wrong. It is her ears." Seriously?! SERIOUSLY? I had no idea you were a pediatrician who used a otoscope to see that. OHHHHH, wait.... Husband's a pediatrician and he showed me how to decompress her ears, so no. It's not her ears. Thanks for playing.

- Be awesome. With a baby screaming, all the mother and the baby want to do is get off the _____ airplane, because that will be the only thing that can calm everyone down-- a change of scenery. So, be awesome... let the baby off the plane early. Just wait an extra second and tell people to stop, so the baby can relocate. You will be so remembered for your kindness; someone will probably blog about you.

- Be awesome. Don't just offer to grab a bag and help down the aisle... just do it, and say something witty like, "Your shoes are busy enough, allow me to take this for you." You'll be so remembered that someone will probably blog about you.

- As a stewardess, we sincerely appreciate offers of butter cookies and watering down the apple juice.

We are flying at about 80% and I think that is pretty awesome, especially since it is just me and her!

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