Wednesday, October 13, 2010

My new Indian name is Sitting Duck



Few things now are not a production. However, I can get to the Wachovia in about 15 minutes after strapping on my kicks and pressing the elevator button for down.

Let's talk about my last trip to Safeway. Not "last" as in "I'll be going next week" but "last" as in "no more." 

Safeway is a grocery store here that I equate to Bi-Lo. It's nicer than the one at DV, but the clientele is just as shady. They take coupons, bonus cards, and e-pons, so I am a happy camper and bi-weekly make the trek in my Tahoe with reusable grocery bags-- this is me saving $.25 per trip with the $2 per bag bags... it makes since to me on some level if I do not think about it too much. Fortunately though, I have a fabulous friend who mailed me some & hung on to the free ones from Comcast and Savannah River Banking Co.

Safeway... they have chicken for $1.99/pound. Regular price. Who does that? Their Diet Cokes are still $5.49/12 pack and butter is $4.76 a pound, but it is give and take, right? This past week, I spent $167.76, saved $72.55 (only $9 of which were from coupons... last time I am clipping) and consumed 1.5 hours of my time. Mr. Clifton had to bag each item bit by bit taking a total of 22 minutes to place all $167 of groceries in my 6 bags. Yes, you saw that correctly. SIX. Winding through the aisles, my mind wandered to all my grocery store trips and how much I used to love all things Publix. Still do, but there is new level of unfun with the Safeway. Finally complete with my box of wine (don't judge me. My husband works 100 hours a week and Eileen is only so much company after 6), 2 packs of chicken, and the makings for the rest of our meals, me and my coupons head to checkout station 2.

All of my groceries are placed on the conveyer belt before the cashier starts to ring them up. I have no idea why. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing.... and one by one I hand her the coupons. Oh, did you think I could just give her the stack? No. One. at. a. time. As she is ringing them up, the groceries are stacking up on the other side. As I step over to start my bagging, the cashier stops and tells me not to bag the groceries, she has already paged Jeff to come help. Jeff doesn't show, however the line gets longer and longer of people behind me and I am waiting and waiting for this ding dong cashier to scan each coupon individually. Finally Mr. Clifton, starts his very slow bagging process and then ...

Lurch shows up.

No kidding, this guy was like a Black Munster... which should not be that hard to picture since it was a black and white tv show. Black Lurch gets in the back of the line with his buddy and immediately starts screaming... at me. For taking too long and he needs to f-ing leave. now. The cashier starts screaming at him to take it somewhere else. The 4 people behind me start screaming at the cashier because they did not see BL, as I shall call him. BL pushed the old lady out of the way... I say she was old, she was older than me. and the cashier told his friend to get control of him. Friend swipes his EBT card for a sandwich and pulls out a nickel for his grocery bag and tells the cashier that he will get a handle on the situation. His phone rings around his neck and he presses his bluetooth to answer it. I've heard of people like this, but never seen (EBT + nice phone + b'tooth=pisses me off)

BL walks up to me, 102 year old Mr. Clifton, and my $167 worth of groceries and asks me, "How ya goin' get all 'dem food home?" ... "I'm driving," looking him directly in the eye, as I learned on Crocodile Dundee that you have to look 'em in the eye so they won't see your fear.

Mr. Clifton, for the love of PETE... pack faster.

BL, Friend, and some other scary guy walk off and are hanging out by the door... that I am going to have to go through... woah, slow down, Mr. Clifton.... don't start picking up two things at once now. 

Bing

Bing

Bing

three more people check out

And here I am, little white girl waiting. Or, Sitting Duck as I like to be called now.

Parking validated, I push my groceries out and head home.

To unpack my six bags, I park my car... open my tailgate.... pull out all 6 bags... close the tailgate... take 4 bags to the door... go back... take 2 bags to the door... open the door with my fob... pass the bags into the elevator lobby... press the button... wait... elevator dings... move the bags to the car doors... doors open... press the hold button and put all 6 bags on the elevator, praying that no one presses the up  button between P2 & 7... up 9 floors.... DING... press HOLD and pull all 6 bags out to the hallway... step out....2 by 2 take the bags to the door... unlock the door and 2 by 2 bring the bags into the kitchen................. now, imagine doing that with a stroller.